That last sentence sounded selfish... Something I don't have a lot of time to be anymore. I can admit before my mom passed, I was a 22 year old who had no worries. I partied every weekend, went to work the minimum amount I had to & spent every dime I made on whatever I wanted. I'm not trying to say I was a complete brat. I love my family & friends & always have. I always spent time with them, but at the end of the day, I was worried about me. I think it's kind of sickening now, but I also think its important to have that at some point in your life. You only get to be young once. & I feel like you get to blame some of the mistakes you make on being young.
Flash forward to now. I have this reoccurring thought lately... 22 year old Hallie wouldn't like 24 year old Hallie. These days, weekends are for destressing as much as possible. I'm just so uninterested in spending every night at the bar. I am completely content hanging out with my friends in sweats watching movies on a Saturday night. I think that's why I've lost a lot of friends. It's hard because I had such close friends, but when I had no choice but to grow up, they kind of dwindled. Some of my friends haven't had that reality check yet. I refer to them as my party friends. & my party friends want nothing to do with me if I'm not partying.
So I think it's important to explain why I went from one day being a normal 22 year old & the day after I turned 23 my life turned upside down. In March of 2011, my mom went to the doctor. I can remember the day like it was yesterday. Dad told me she had a doctors appointment & my stomach dropped. My mom was NEVER sick. She never went to the doctor.
She came up to work for lunch & the first thing I did was pull her aside & ask why she had went to the doctor. She paused for what seemed like an eternity & then said, "I found a lump." At that point, all the color drained from my face. I knew what was coming next, but I couldn't prepare myself for it. She said that the doctor thought it was just a staff infection in her breast. So for about an hour, I had all these thoughts running through my mind, but I was telling myself it was just an infection. My mom was never sick. That woman was a superhero. My superhero. She was everything I ever wanted to be. She was caring& happy & everyone who met her would consider her their best friend. Not only was her heart beautiful, but she was beautiful on the outside too. I could talk to her about anything. My mom was my rock.
After lunch (I couldn't force myself to eat with everyone) mom headed home & I went in my office, shut the door & cried. I was led to believe that it was just an infection but I just knew that that couldn't be it. About an hour later, dad came in my office with a fear in his eyes I'd never seen before. My dad is tough. I used to think he wasn't scared of anything. So when I saw him like that, I knew something was wrong. The doctor had called mom back & requested she immediately go to get a mammogram. Dad told me & promptly left. & I, once again, was left alone with my thoughts. I didn't tell anyone. I just sat & prayed & cried.
After what seemed like hours, mom & dad showed up to the office & mom had been crying. I could tell something was terribly wrong. She informed me that it was definitely breast cancer. We went to the house & we all cried. We didn't know the first thing about cancer. We didn't know what to do.
For a year & a half, my mom showed me strength that I couldn't believe. Like I said, she was always my hero, but she became my inspiration. She would go to her doctors appointments & chemo treatments & that night, she'd be walking around the house singing. After she passed, I talked one of her friends who told me that she would call her crying because "whoever said cancer doesn't hurt lied to you." But I never saw that. I only saw her determined to get better.
The truth is, mom knew she had a lump for about 6 months before she did anything about it. She didn't want to worry us. & that describes exactly what kind of person she was. She was more worried about us than she was her own health.
After losing her hair, a bunch of weight, a mastectomy & a million chemo treatments, her hair started growing back & she started to feel better. We thought she had beaten this terrible disease.
I remember NYE, my brother & I texting each other about how awful 2011 had been. & we were so ready to start new in 2012. Mom had gotten the tumor removed. (She did her Christmas shopping before her surgery so she could make sure Christmas was the same as it had always been for our family.) We really thought that 2012 had only good things in store for us.
My brother & I started spending quality time together. We hasn't ever really done that before, but through this awful time, we discovered we were a lot alike & we enjoyed spending time together. In march, we even got to drive down to Omaha to see Mizzou play in the basketball finals. We had left for Omaha early in the morning & had to come back home right after because jake had to work in the morning 4 hours away from home. Mom knew that, so she stayed up & waited for us. It was late but I remember how happy she was to see us & she loved hearing about our little adventure.
Soon after that, mom & dad met with the oncologist. The cancer had spread. Since november, we really thought we were making progress. It turned out, we had only just bought some more time. I vividly remember the only time mom broke down right after that appointment. She had done so much... Went through so much.. & she wasn't going to get better. That was one of the worst times in my entire life. To see your hero hurting is something that you can't describe. I get a sick feeling thinking about it now.
She gradually got worse. We knew the cancer had spread more. She was having problems keeping her left eye open. She couldn't think very clearly. She just wasn't mom.
The night before we took her to the hospital, I remember so clearly. Mom, dad & I were at the house. She wanted chicken wings so I had went & got them. When I got back, she was sitting on the couch with the remote in her hand asleep. She'd never done that before. She was starting to lose control of her hands. I couldn't tell you how many glasses she broke. & even though she was out of it, my friend had sent me a picture of herself & I as babies. I showed it to mom& she started crying. She said "that's my baby girl. That just made my whole night." I can tell you now, that picture is something I hold so close to me.
The next day was awful, but we decided it was time to go to the hospital. Her tumor had grown back & it was breaking through the skin. Just thinking about how incredibly painful that must of been hurts my heart. I won't get into much detail, but we took shifts staying at the hospital with mom. She was sleeping most of the time & if she was awake, she was in so much pain. I cried all the time. I knew what was coming, but I just couldn't force myself to believe it. She was in the hospital for 24 days. There was a week where she came back & she was my
Mama. She was able to hold a conversation. She wasn't hurting as bad & she was calling me baby& telling me how much she loved me all the time. I spent a lot of that week cuddled into her hospital bed with her. I wanted her to know how much I loved her & how badly I needed her.
The worst day I can remember was at the end of the week when she had "came back." One of the nurses was far too blunt with mom. She asked if she was going to be okay & i think he said something about she would be fine soon when she was in heaven. Mom just started sobbing at that point & I made him leave the room. I went over to hug her & asked her if she was okay. & through big tears she said, "Hallie, I'm going to die & I won't have you anymore." Typing this I'm crying, but at that point, I knew I couldn't. I just hugged her & told her it was alright. & that she was fine. Everything was fine. After that day, she went back to sleeping all the time. & you could tell she was in so much pain when she was awake. We made the decision to take her home; because that's the only place she wanted to be. The hospital urged us to bring in hospice, but dad & I were determined to do all we could to take care of her like she had taken care of us for so long. We did it for about a week. I did things I never dreamed I would be able to, but I just sucked it up & knew I was doing it for mom. After a week, we had a family meeting & decided that hospice was the best thing to bring in. We had come to terms with the fact that mama didn't have much quantity of life left, but we were determined she would have quality.
I can't say enough about how wonderful hospice was. But, I can also tell you to this day, dad & I can say confidently that we took care of mom the best we could for that week. & it may not make up for all the times she took care of us, but if was something we had to do.
Hospice came in on Friday. My birthday was Saturday. When hospice came, they decided that she was ready for 24 hour care & if you aren't familiar with hospice, that means that mom was incredibly close to leaving us.
Friday night, the nurse came to me & said that it was probably going to happen that night. & as weird as this sounds, we had all of our close friends come over. We had drinks & laughs & we all took turns sitting with mom& having our time to say goodbye. If you knew Rhonda, you'd know that she would of wanted exactly that.
So midnight came around & mom was still hanging on. Midnight meant it was my birthday. My 23rd birthday. I wish that we could of just skipped it, to be honest. The day went on & mom was still with us. The nurses were amazed. I later found out that dad had been whispering to mom that it was my birthday. She knew & she wasn't going to leave me that day.
At midnight, as soon as my birthday was over, her blood pressure dropped dramatically. She passed on Sunday. She just wouldn't let go on Saturday.
It was the last birthday present she gave me & I am forever grateful for that.
The good thing about her being home was we could have time to talk with her. We got to tell her that we'd take care of her dogs. & that we loved her more than she'd ever know. & that we knew she loved us. As terrible as it was, it was kind of special.
After she passed, I'm sure you can imagine things were so hard. Dad kept saying that all the people who were around would eventually start leaving. & they did.
One of the worst things that happened to me was my best friend literally dropped off the face of the earth. I needed him so bad, but he wasn't there for me. I can look back now & know it was probably a hard situation for him. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say. But I really didnt need someone to say the "right" things. I just needed him to be there for me like he'd always been. I fought for months to get my friend back & it didn't work. I don't know if anyone had ever hurt me that deeply before.
I know this is long & drawn out, but what I'm getting at is that I have such trust issues now. I lost my mom. I lost my best friend.
I tend to quickly attach to people now. & if they become special to me, I have this fear that they'll leave because I've been left before. I know it's something I have to get over. Not everyone is bad. Not everyone is so selfish.
I'm working so hard to make myself less reliant on others & more reliant on myself. I think my first thought is to leave before I'm left. But not everyone is going to leave you.
It's been a long road & man, I know it's not going to get easier. But I need to get stronger. I need to learn to trust people. I need to learn that just because I've been so incredibly let down & hurt before it doesn't mean that it's going to happen with everyone.
Sorry this was all over the place. I'm really just needing to get my feeling out. & I need to see in black& white the things I need to work on.
I doubt anyone is reading this, but if you are; I love you.
Xox-Hal
